Children coping with divorce

Divorce can be difficult when children are involved, but there's a lot you can do to help them cope with divorce. If you're a parent dealing with divorce, try to remember that your child needs you now more than ever. Support from both parents and from close family and friends is vital. Offering reassurance, hope, and a sense of stability can help ease the effects of divorce on children of all ages.

Children coping with divorce: Nine dos and don'ts

Isolina Ricci, a US family therapist and author of Mom's House, Dad's House, says, "When children are free to love both of their parents without conflict of loyalty, to have access to them both without fear of losing either, they can get on with the totally absorbing business of growing up, on schedule".

Use these nine tips to help minimise the negative effects of divorce on your children:

Don't confide in your children about adult concerns like your disagreements with your spouse or your money worries. Find a friend or counsellor to confide in instead

Don't criticise your ex. If you have a dispute with your ex-spouse, don't expose your children to your conflicts and frustration

Don't quiz your child about the other parent or what goes on at the other parent's house. It's fine to ask general questions about your child's time there, but don't snoop

Don't introduce major changes in your child's life if you can help it. Try to keep to your usual family routines and community ties

Do continue to parent as you always have. You may feel guilty that your children have to cope with divorce, but it won't help to give them special presents or let them stay up late. They'll feel more secure if you're firm and consistent

Do encourage children to call the other parent when they have news or just to talk. Keep the other parent informed about school events and other activities

Do learn more about how to help your child cope with divorce. Many organisations can help families understand the effect of divorce on children, such as the British Association for Counselling and the Family Welfare Association.

Do get help for a child having trouble coping with divorce. A young child may show regressive behavior like excessive clinginess or bedwetting, while an older child may become angry, aggressive, withdrawn, depressed, or have problems in school. A therapist can provide a safe place for your child to express his or her feelings. There will also be several organisations and services in your local area so it is worth talking to your GP, Health Visitor or Child and Adolescent service.

Do seek help if you and your ex can't interact without hostility. A family therapist or professional mediator can help you develop a more friendly communication style - one with fewer negative effects on your children. The national organisation Relate (0300 100 1234) runs a vital service. In an emergency situation where either of you need to talk to someone to avoid escalating the situation and taking your anger further, you could phone The Samaritans (08457 90 90 90) who are always only a telephone call away.