If your premature infant is moved to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), expect that you will become overwhelmed with new emotions and information. Don't be surprised if you and your partner handle this crisis differently, which may or may not create a strain on your relationship. Both of you, in different ways, may feel:

• Fearful and helpless.
• Extremely sad. Separation from your infant at birth is a sudden and profound loss. Allow yourself to grieve this loss and the loss of your original hopes for your full-term infant, yourself, and your family.
• Angry. You may find yourself becoming angry with your doctor, yourself, your family, even your infant. This is all normal.
• Guilty. You may blame yourself for your infant's condition, even if you've done everything possible to have a healthy pregnancy. This is a good time to remember that the pregnant body often runs its own course, regardless of all efforts to control it.
• Isolated. Not only can the NICU be a lonely place to spend your hours, but you may feel that no one can possibly understand what life is like for you right now.
• Ambivalent. It is normal to fear attachment to an infant with an uncertain future, even if it's your own child. You may have a mixture of feelings, including love, longing, numbness, and detachment from your infant.

Combined with your recovery after the birth (postpartum recovery), the NICU experience increases your risk of depression and anxiety. Some parents of particularly sick or dying premature infants can also develop post-traumatic stress disorder.

To get through this crisis, you and your partner must take good care of yourselves and each other. Thinking of yourselves and your relationship may not be easy when you are under extreme stress. But your child or children depend on both of you to be physically and emotionally able to care for them.

Take a quiet moment and focus on yourself. Ask yourself, "How am I doing? What do I need right now?" Consider whether you've had sufficient rest, food, exercise, and fresh air and sunlight. Do you have someone you can talk to-a partner, friend, parent, spiritual advisor, or counselor? If any of these basic needs aren't being met, make them a top priority.

• Arrange for and accept as much help from friends and family as you can.
• Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings.
• Visit with a spiritual advisor, counselor, or your NICU social worker.
• If your hospital has a support group for NICU parents, try it out. Sometimes the best possible support comes from people who are going through the same type of crisis you are.
• See a mental health professional or go to your hospital emergency room immediately if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or another person. Such thoughts can sometimes arise due to postpartum depression, severe stress, or both.

Depression: Managing postpartum depression